Here is our schedule for today:

8 - 10 am Fence sitting
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton demonstrates the proper technique and posturing. She shows how it is possible to sit on the exact center of the fence, while giving the appearance that you are leaning to both sides.

10 - 10:30 am Break
Refresh yourself with any of a number of watered down, lukewarm beverages.

10:30 am - 12:30 pm Speaking from both sides of mouth
Presidential candidate Dick Gephardt has generously donated his time to illustrate how to sound both for and against a war with Iraq at the same time.

12:30 - 1:30 pm Lunch
Join us as we offer an-all-you-can-eat selection of that Democratic favorite: waffles.

1:30 - 3:30 pm How to look and feel like a Republican
For this section of our program we are pleased to welcome the man who has perfected the art more than any other: Bill Clinton.

3:30- 5 pm -- Putting your audience to sleep
Finally, the day concludes when former Democratic candidates Michael Dukakis, Al Gore and Walter Mondale get up on stage and exhibit their sure-fire method -- perfected over several decades -- of lulling a crowd into a listless stupor. Guaranteed not to leave one person awake by the end.